Every time I pass by the courtyard leaving my grandmother’s house, I look above at the building, find her window to see her standing there watching me. I can feel that gentle warmth casting down which is a physically existing field of human emotion binding two living entities. This binding delivers me an extreme comfort of being cared but, at the same time, an inexpressible fear, a fear of loosing. I often wonder in mind, how could it be possible that on this tiny planet there is someone so kind and perfect? I know one day I’ll loose this binding because, inevitably, people get old. As time ticks by, this fear is growing and gradually becomes overwhelming. At every tick, I can feel this fear coming nearer and nearer. One day I’ll face it, being ready or not. There are things like this – you know it’ll happen but you don’t know how could it be possible. She has a good memory of her wonderful stories though she sometimes forgets how many time they have been told. She is diligent and honest and kind… integrating every human virtue.
Live is meant to die. Start is meant to end. This world of individual entities interconnected is driven by causality, action and reaction, cause and effect. And scientifically speaking, after hundreds millions of years the earth will experience another mass extinction which means that everything now being will eventually end. In this thought there’s no explanation for fear because fear is but another human emotion. How could a human emotion exist if there is no human? Once you hear the sad news telling that someone you love is ill or somehow endangered, there’s no good reason for you to feel shocked. Because there is no coincidence, there is consequence, purpose and providence. The rule applies to my fear regardless of how I feel.
Update 15:27 2006-7-5
The text above was posted at 22:34 2006-4-12 and now it’s 15:27 2006-7-5. Three months is not a long time for a whole life, even not long enough for one to review her life and recall the most precious moments, not long for human history, not long for this planet, this universe… But in the three months, things may completely change, or go as expected.
What I fear has eventually become a sad matter of fact… Birth and death, start and end, future and past – a natural process.