Every time I pass by the courtyard

Every time I pass by the courtyard leaving my grandmother’s house, I look above at the building, find her window to see her standing there watching me. I can feel that gentle warmth casting down which is a physically existing field of human emotion binding two living entities. This binding delivers me an extreme comfort of being cared but, at the same time, an inexpressible fear, a fear of loosing. I often wonder in mind, how could it be possible that on this tiny planet there is someone so kind and perfect? I know one day I’ll loose this binding because, inevitably, people get old. As time ticks by, this fear is growing and gradually becomes overwhelming. At every tick, I can feel this fear coming nearer and nearer. One day I’ll face it, being ready or not. There are things like this – you know it’ll happen but you don’t know how could it be possible. She has a good memory of her wonderful stories though she sometimes forgets how many time they have been told. She is diligent and honest and kind… integrating every human virtue. 

 

Live is meant to die. Start is meant to end. This world of individual entities interconnected is driven by causality, action and reaction, cause and effect. And scientifically speaking, after hundreds millions of years the earth will experience another mass extinction which means that everything now being will eventually end. In this thought there’s no explanation for fear because fear is but another human emotion. How could a human emotion exist if there is no human? Once you hear the sad news telling that someone you love is ill or somehow endangered, there’s no good reason for you to feel shocked. Because there is no coincidence, there is consequence, purpose and providence. The rule applies to my fear regardless of how I feel.

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Update 15:27 2006-7-5

The text above was posted at 22:34 2006-4-12 and now it’s 15:27 2006-7-5. Three months is not a long time for a whole life, even not long enough for one to review her life and recall the most precious moments, not long for human history, not long for this planet, this universe… But in the three months, things may completely change, or go as expected.

What I fear has eventually become a sad matter of fact… Birth and death, start and end, future and past – a natural process.

It’s heavy.

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3 Responses to Every time I pass by the courtyard

  1. 筱玥 says:

    I like what you said~~~and I sometimes feel that way~~~death is inevitable~~~and we are meant to depart from those we were once so close to~~~it\’s sad~~~but that\’s life~~~that\’s how life goes on and on~~~and the reason why we should cherish what we have at present~~~PS:i chose you to answer a question in my space~~~remember to go and have a check~~~

  2. hazart says:

    逝者如斯,而未尝往也;盈虚者如彼,而卒莫消长也。盖将自其变者而观之,而天地曾不能一瞬;自其不变者而观之,则物于我皆无尽也。而又何羡乎?且夫天地之间,物各有主。苟非吾之所有,虽一毫而莫取。惟江上之清风,与山间之明月,耳得之而为声,目遇之而成色。取之无禁,用之不竭。是造物者之无尽藏也,而吾与子之所共适。

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